reimer...

...is a.k.a. Courtney Reimer, Bard of Lard.
Here's some other stuff I've written.
reach me: courtneyreimer [at] gmail [dot] com.

It's pronounced "rhymer." (Like a poet, and you probably didn't know it.)

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Nov 24

“All the people that want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.”

Jon Stewart to Lou Dobbs on The Daily Show.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it worded so well. This is precisely what’s going on. PRECISELY.

(via dailyhuff) I’ve said before that Jonny don’t hold the same appeal for me he once did (and if I’m feeling redundant, maybe I’ll say it again), but that right there? That’s some good shit right there.

What. The. Hell.

yowhatsthehaps:

I just heard this song on the radio. I am annoyed that it is suddenly relevant.

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m worthless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m shy but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab…

I mean, SERIOUSLY. It’s friggin’ ALANIS. And she UNDERSTANDS MY LIFE.

Fuck.

You Canadians are all the same.

And I love all of you. (Alanis included! Sometimes. Like in this song.)

I imagine I’m not the first one to post this (nor will I be the last), but if you saw this and neglected to click on it, allow me to offer two compelling reasons:

1. Beeker

2. HD!

What more do you need, really.

(via The Amazing Dave Basner)

Why oh why can’t I star a Brizzly trend explanation.

Also: which of you geniuses is responsible for this gem? Fess up. I know you’re out there.

caro:

Boozecats.com, the site that Photoshops out alcohol and replaces it with cats. Where Edward Fortyhands becomes Edward Boozecathands.

Dammit, this means I totally wasted 99¢ on the CatPaint app.

hman:

“The Critics’ Choice column on Monday about new CDs misstated the title of Adam Lambert’s album. It is “For Your Entertainment,” not “For Your Consideration.” The column, which included a review of Rihanna’s album “Rated R,” also misstated the timing of her beating by her former boyfriend, Chris Brown. It was after a pre-Grammy Awards party, not a post-Grammy party.”

I’ve never read the phrase ”the timing of her beating” before but it makes me a little queasy. I’m pretty sure this is one of those situations where a correction isn’t totally needed.

Oh, and sorry Adam Lambert!

(NYT Corrections)

Because I’m a smug bastard who likes to think she would never ever ever make a mistake like the ones I love to point out in venerable paragons of publishing such as the NYT and The New Yorker, I love reading the corrections (not the Jonathan Franzen book; I never made it through that one).

I don’t, however, love the blithe way they refer to Rihanna’s “beating.”

Nov 23

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-11-22)

Your mom
The Pope
Amelia Bedilia
Bob Ross
Prince

molls:

Every woman in the world, no matter how powerful, has become absolutely unhinged and in a rare moment of weakness, done a coochie drop.

That’s fine, Katie. I’m with you.

I thought these photos couldn’t be improved…until Molls attached the phrase “coochie drop” to them. Amazing.

Nov 21

Seeing Luke Wilson in an AT&T commercial only makes me more angry at them.

Nov 19

Twitter’s new prompt, brought to you by Long Duk Dong.

“Sen. Kerry’s Daughter Arrested on Suspicion of DUI…

…and here’s a photo of a police car in case you’ve forgotten what one looks like when it pulls someone over for driving like a drunk person.”

Thanks, FoxNY!

insooutso:

Paul Newman was well known for his devotion to his wife and family. When asked about infidelity, he famously quipped, “Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?”

If he really said that, I’m going to have to die and go to heaven so I can marry him.

Nov 18

mayafish:

Wow, really?

Thanks to twitter’s awesome new retweet feature* I got to see this gem from some jerk I don’t follow in my timeline.

For the record, people’s jokes on twitter are often the only thing keeping me from throwing myself off a bridge. And I follow hardly anyone who uses it for business. No one does it right, and it all tends to just look like spam. Plus, if I’m not in your industry, I probably don’t care about your business tweets.

Also: HEY DOUCHEBAG. SORRY MY CAREER IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT ECONOMY AND THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY “BUSINESS TWEETS” WORTH READING.

*Not really awesome.

Everything she said. And: if my life and my bank account weren’t a joke(s), I’d have nothing to Tweet about. Who’s the smart one now, Mr. Meeting Guy.

Vinegar Hill, Brooklyn, NY

words wholly unrelated

ragbag:

cult & occult

the former is from cultus (worship). the latter is from occulere (to conceal). both are from latin and have dark, religious connotations.

for those curious, the name of the roguish american football squadron from indianapolis (as well as lando calrissian’s malt beverage of choice) comes from an old english word of the same spelling, pronunciation, and meaning and is therefore wholly unrelated to either cult or occult.

For the first time in my life I am craving a Colt 45.